When an opportunity is actually an obligation

Mar 17, 2025

From the call to “look for silver linings” to the rise of positive thinking in the psychology and self-help worlds, there’s no shortage of messages that urge us to re-interpret challenges, negative emotions, and anything difficult in life as things that will ultimately be beneficial. Whether it’s the idea that “things happen as they’re meant to” (and therefore have a purpose), or the belief that you can squeeze some lemonade out of every lemon, we’re constantly told to adopt an attitude of positivity.

This message has been so dominant that it’s generated pushback, notably in the concept of “toxic positivity:”

Toxic positivity is the act of avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences. This may take the form of denying your own emotions or someone else denying your emotions, insisting on positive thinking instead. Although setting aside difficult emotions is sometimes necessary temporarily, denying negative feelings long term is harmful because it can prevent people from processing their emotions and overcoming their distress.

I would add to this that toxic positivity erodes our ability to recognize our true feelings, to use our intuition, and to make decisions based on what’s right for us, rather than what’s being presented as the “most positive” approach.

I was inspired to write about this by a friend’s comment on last week’s newsletter.

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She mentioned that the blurriness of things that are “extras” and things that are “musts” was impacting her at work, where she was being presented with so-called opportunities that were actually obligations.1

Being pushed to see anything and everything as an opportunity is another hallmark of toxic positivity. As my friend noted, this was making it hard for her to push back against creeping expectations at work, and to even discern what was truly an advantageous opportunity for her versus an unrealistic demand from her boss.

There are certainly benefits to being able to reframe challenges as opportunities. We don’t always have a say over which challenges land in our lives and if we’re overwhelmed by the negatives, well, it’s not a very pleasant way to live. Most of us have had the experience of looking back on something that was very difficult at the time - a job loss, a break up - and realizing that it eventually led to something that was much better.

However, bring rushed through the part of the process where we need to feel bad, or question what’s happening, or ask whether the opportunity is real or imagined (or imposed) is not helpful. In fact, if someone is trying to push you out of this phase, they either can’t tolerate negative emotions or they want something from you.

For example, your ex wants you to feel better so they feel less guilty about breaking up with you. Your boss wants you to feel good about this new responsibility you’ve been given so they can get more work out of you.

To regain some control when we’re being pulled (or pushed) into the upward spiral of toxic positivity, we need to:

Slow down. Don’t be rushed into finding the bright side.
Feel the feelings. All our emotions have something to tell us. Feeling bad about about bad things is normal and healthy.
Listen to intuition. If you have a strong sense that something isn’t right for you, even if it’s been labelled an opportunity or a silver lining, investigate that feeling.

Perfectly Cromulent

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