What's your favourite way to suffer?
We all have one. Maybe more than one. Our go-to “woe is me” story. The script we run in our minds when we’re feeling particularly low, or that is guaranteed to bring us low when it starts up. That well-worn groove in our brains that we can’t seem to avoid dropping the needle into to let our favourite sad track play.
I’ll tell you one of mine: Believing that no one really cares about my feelings so I have to completely rely on myself for emotional support.
This one reliably appears whenever I feel overlooked or like my feelings haven’t been explicitly acknowledged. Nevermind that I hate being asked about my feelings and probably don’t want to share them with you anyways!
Despite its illogical and untrue nature, this belief feels like an old friend. There’s a perverse comfort in settling in with our dear favourites, even when they’re morose. We keep coming back to them and in the moment, they feel like good company. Or at least, familiar company.
But why am I asking such a strange question, anyway? I promise it’s not to dredge up all your worst feelings. Rather, I think that noticing these patterns, and then being able to say: “Ah, there’s my old favourite!” is a helpful way to become less attached to them over time. Not to mention, it’s kind of a funny way to look at your own self pity.
You could also do some work to help break these scripts down and maybe even eliminate them all together. Many people use Byron Katie’s Four Liberating Questions to challenge such thoughts, especially when they start to overwhelm:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
It’s probably also helpful to realize that you’re not unique in having a set of comfy, if shitty, thoughts that follow you around and that you sometimes settle into like old pajamas. I’m pretty everyone has their own favourite ways to suffer and they come back to them, time and again.
Anyways, I think this is going to be my new conversation starter at parties, so if you meet me in person, be prepared!
What I’m reading: Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar. This is one of those books that you see recommended everywhere and you think, “I don’t know, it doesn’t sound like I would like it,” and then you read it and you’re like, “Oh, of course, there’s a reason everyone says this book is so good!”
What I’m watching: By the time this newsletter is out, the first episode of season 3 of The Gilded Age will have dropped and I will absolutely be tuning in. All of the women in this show are phenomenal: