Sometimes I read a self help book so good I immediately want to embody all of the qualities the author has (usually some combination of wisdom, inner peace, honesty, and authenticity). I also immediately know I’ll fail. This is one of the annoying things about self help: someone shows you where you want to go, but it seems like you’d need to be re-born a completely different person to get there.
Here’s a more concrete example. You read about some kind of habit or routine that you know would be really helpful for you. Maybe it’s to do with creativity; something like Julia Cameron’s “morning pages” idea, where you start every day with 3 pages of free writing to help clear mental clutter and prepare to work. You try it out and you love it. Then you have an early morning dentist appointment and miss a day. Then you’re traveling for work and too busy with meetings. Next thing you know, you discard the whole idea because it just doesn’t seem to fit into your life.
Maybe you could fit it in, but you just don’t want to be beholden to a strict routine. You don’t like doing the same thing every day and you prefer to have more choice. Who made Julia Cameron the boss of you just because you like one of her ideas?
If it’s just too hard to commit to always following a good piece of advice, or your rebellious streak won’t let you, maybe there’s another way to hang on to those golden nuggets: Put it in your toolkit.
The “toolkit” strategy lets me hold onto a habit or process or thought pattern that’s useful, without feeling like I have to constantly embody it. That’s too much pressure! For instance, I love Kristin Neff’s steps for practicing self compassion, and Tara Brach’s RAIN process for addressing hard feelings, but, I confess, I don’t always feel like using them. There isn’t necessarily time in the moment to slow down enough to do them effectively. Sometimes you just need to keep it moving.
At the same time, I don’t want to discard or forget things that I know are useful. So I metaphorically stash them in a self-help toolkit that I can mentally rifle through when I need a boost of some kind.
I’ve noticed that this approach appeals to some of my coaching clients who find themselves resistant to rigid processes. They like flexibility and freedom in their writing habits, for example. So they don’t necessarily want to follow a plan or always use the same strategies. The challenge is that they can find themselves repeatedly stuck on or struggling with the same parts of the process. “Why does it take me so long to get a rough draft done?” or, “Why do I hate revising so much?”
Well, in part because you don’t have a plan! You don’t like following a particular method, or your schedule doesn’t allow you to stick to certain routines, like writing a set amount every day. The toolkit is an alternative, if you remember you have one and what’s in it!
In the writing process example, I’d probably recommend making a list of tactics (tools) that you can reach for. For writers, this could look like:
free writing for 2 pages
setting a word count goal
setting a time goal
using reverse outlining
phoning a friend (i.e., getting a peer to read something over)
writing by hand
outlining or writing by bullet point
writing with others
The list could go on and on. The point is that the writer doesn’t have to use any given tool, but when stuck or encountering a problem, they can root around for a proven tactic and give it a try.
In my personal self help toolkit (maybe more like a first aid kit sometimes!), I have thing like:
self compassion
calming breaths
taking a rest
doing one thing at a time
“moving the energy around,” e.g. getting up to stretch or move, shaking it off
separating what’s in my control from what isn’t
using a mantra or affirmation statement
noticing (and trying to avoid) self sabotage
My toolkit exists to some extent in my memory, but I also use my trusty Notes app to keep lists of helpful affirmations and little reminders of some of the above. While I certainly don’t mind sticking to routines and making plans, I also like a bit of a grab-bag approach to self improvement/self care. I find it helps keep me from discarding something just because it doesn’t work all the time. I, for one, don’t really like going out for a walk as a form of stress relief, most of the time. But why throw out the tool when every once in a while, it might be right thing?
So, what’s in your toolkit for life?
What I’m reading: The Only Survivors, by Megan Miranda. Has one of Miranda’s typically moody female protagonists (most of whom could do with a decent self help toolkit) as well as a couple good twists. Liking, not loving it.
What I’m watching: How to Blow Up a Pipeline. Based on the book by Andreas Malm, (published with Verso, who also published two of my books!), it’s a tense movie with surprising twists and a pretty convincing message about the need to fuck stuff up.