Trying not to throw it all away
There are but a few times in a rabid organizer’s life that she has permission to truly go to town when it comes to getting rid of things. Moving is one of those times, and I am one of those people that loves to clear out junk. As I get ready for what may well be the last big move of my life, I have some real BDE: Big Decluttering Energy.
For the first time ever, though, I’m trying to tamp down some of my clear-out impulses. I’m trying not to scan every room, every shelf like a robot programmed to search-and-destroy anything that doesn’t absolutely need to come with us. I’m resisting the urge to discard sentimental items. I’m trying hard not to be too bossy about getting other people to clear out their stuff, too.
While I’m not a minimalist, I do enjoy living in a tidy, organized space. I don’t like stocking up on things or keeping things I might need “some day.” Clutter and mess make me anxious. Some people have to work up a lot of energy to tidy up; I struggle to hold myself back from constantly clearing things away.
I don’t tend to have strong sentimental attachments to things, either. The stuff that I keep, I do because I have a sense that I “should,” rather than an innate sense that the item has an emotional value. It’s not that I feel NOTHING, just often not enough to outweigh the desire to live a, shall we say, more streamlined existence.
This time around, however, I’m not being so hasty in my judgements about stuff that has to go. There are a few reasons for this:
As I get older and more people in my life pass away, I’m more aware of the need to keep them present through objects as well as photos. Only a short time before my dad died, I had done a truly next-level clear out of old photos, diaries, and other memorabilia. I didn’t necessarily regret getting rid of any particular item, but I was forced to acknowledge that people can be gone from your life in an instant and it would be good to take more care in deciding what to keep and what to throw away.
Realizing that my cavalier attitude toward sentimental items could be hurtful to other people. A few years ago, my daughter burst into tears when I casually mentioned that I’d discarded something from her childhood (I can’t recall what, but she probbaly can!). I think she’s forgiven me. Still, as I pulled out boxes of her things that were still stored in my house, I didn’t pre-sort anything or insist that any amount had to go. When she came for a visit and went through her things herself, I didn’t interfere. My only mis-step was assuming she wouldn’t keep any old Harry Potter books when in fact, those were the only ones she did keep!
I’ve also recently come to acknowledge that my one and only daughter might actually want some pieces of my life when I’m gone. I don’t know why this pretty obvious piece of information was a revelation to me (that’s a question for therapy!), but I’m beginning to understand that other people care about and appreciate things that tell the story of my life. I might be content to let all of it go, but maybe it’s not just about me.
A clean slate
Part of the urge to clear out old stuff before moving is the desire for a fresh start. Do I really want to be surrounded by the same old crap in my beautiful new house? Not really! I’ve also had the painful experience of helping friends move who did little to no sorting, decluttering, or hell, even packing, prior to moving day. I watched them dump piles of junk into boxes and drag broken down, dirty crap from one house to the next. I recall some particularly disorganized family friends who packed their whole house at the last minute, and ended up moving bags of literal garbage to their new place because they had no idea what was in them.
I do understand that sorting, packing, and organizing are not everyone’s cup of tea and that these tasks can be hard for a wide variety of reasons. I get why the situations above happen and I try not to judge. Nonetheless, it’s not gonna be me.
But my yearning for a clean slate has to be tempered, too. I know it’s incredibly wasteful to throw things out rather than find ways to clean, repair, reuse, or restyle them. Moving generates a lot of landfill-bound waste and I already feel bad about the amount of garbage we’re creating in the process. As much I’d love to start from scratch (or at least have a new couch) I know it’s not the right thing to do.
On an existential level, I can also see how wanting everything to be shiny and new is a denial of the reality of decay, aging, and the general entropy of life. I don’t like to be reminded of the inevitable Downward Spiral (great album, 30 years old, wow that’s reminding me of aging… and, I’m spiralling).
For now, I’m trying not to feed the anxious little monster in my belly that just wants to clear out ALL THE THINGS. I’m reminding myself that these are not high stakes decisions and I can afford to relax a bit. Do I still have a running list of things that need to go? Sure. I’m still me! But for once, I’m slowing down and letting a few of the “things” win.
What I’m reading: After I Do, by Taylor Jenkins Reid. This novel follows a couple who decide to spend a year apart after their 10-year marriage begins to break down. I’m not sure how a couple could come back together after so much contempt and disdain crept in after only ten years… we’ll see what happens!
What I’m watching: Girls5Eva is back for season 3 on Netflix. Just the theme song puts me in a good mood.