Talking yourself out of things
Recently I’ve discovered a superpower: I can talk myself out of doing just about anything.
I don’t know if I’ve had this ability all along, or if it just got honed during the pandemic, but it seems as though I can take the most interesting, fun, and special events coming up around me and convince myself not to participate. I am great at NOT doing things, it appears.
It takes me by surprise, this superpower. I eagerly sign up for something, maybe something as low key as a webinar, something that aligns with my values and interests and would probably be very useful, and then, BAM: As it approaches, I decide I would rather do anything else (by which I mean nothing) than attend this simple thing.
Recently I’ve ducked out on things like Spanish conversation groups and reading clubs. I find I can talk myself out of something before I even sign up, like a running group or a volunteer training session. Considering that I’m pretty extroverted, what the heck is going on?
In some ways, I think my “going out and doing things with other humans in the world” muscles atrophied a little during the pandemic and the rise of virtual events. At the same time, my tolerance for and interest in virtual get togethers has withered away too, meaning that I also shy away from these. As well, I really value my “free”, i.e., unscheduled, time and can automatically resent any incursions into it.
None of this is conducive to having a full and satisfying life, though. Rest and alone time are important, no doubt, but probably not anything I’ll be wishing I had more of at the end of my life.
I suspect that what probably started off as self protection from overwhelming demands has morphed into a wee bit of self sabotage. Holding myself back from new connections and opportunities means I can stay in my comfort zone (aka under my blanket with a hot water bottle, literally and metaphorically). But is this really what I want in the second half of my life?
I haven’t yet figured out how to reverse this tendency. My first step is noticing it: recognizing that it’s become a habit rather than an occasional choice. Putting it in words here helps; maybe it’s something you recognize in yourself, too?
I think the second step will be asking what the underlying fear is. What’s holding me back? It’s not that I love watching tv on my couch THAT much. So is there a wiggly little bit of self doubt that’s keeping me doing something that one version of me very much wanted to do?
Finally, for now at least, I’ll try to channel a bit of the old “don’t think, just do” attitude. Overthinking a thing is almost guaranteed to lead to not wanting to do it, isn’t it? Sometimes we just need to shut that down.
What I’m reading: Demon Copperhead, by Barbara Kingsolver. Kind of bracing myself for a lot of horrible things to happen to the narrator, but so far it’s hard to put down, it’s writing in such a compelling voice.
What I’m watching: Paradise, on Disney+. Sometimes I wonder if Sterling K. Brown knows how to dial down the intensity but in this show, apparently not.