Say less
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Welcome to the series of occasional posts I’m calling Actually Okay Advice, where I share a piece of advice I’ve come across that I think is pretty useful. These are things I’ve tried myself, and for the most part, continue to use. As always, YMMV.
Check out the previous AOA here.Today’s advice is for those of us who can be, shall we say, a little particular about how we like things done. Those of us who want our homes and workplaces and lives just so. And those of us who think we’re effectively communicating how we want things done through an endless stream of offhand, witty, or oh-so-droll comments.
The advice is this: Leave at least three unnecessary things unsaid each day.
I’m not sure where I stumbled across this idea; maybe social media? Maybe buried in a book about relationships?
Wherever it came from, it made me think about how many times a day I make unnecessary remarks that are actually criticisms of how other people in my life are doing things.Since I’ve spent very little time with anyone except my partner since March 2020, my realization mostly related to my interactions with him. However, the advice applies outside of romantic partnerships. You can use it with kids, relatives, work colleagues, friends. Anywhere you think you could dial back the fussiness just a notch.
Here’s how I interpret the “3 unnecessary things” rule. It means choosing to hold my tongue when there is something I could say about what someone else is doing, but don’t actually need to.
It’s usually really small stuff. Like commenting on how my partner is putting plates backwards in the dishwasher. Or why he’s using a metal fork to stir a pot of pasta.
The point is that none of this needs to be said. It’s all about my own preferences and norms, and his different habits don’t actually make a difference (even if they feel wrong to me in my bones).
The principle behind it all is that over time, these “little” remarks about “little” things add up to an atmosphere of criticism and superiority coming from the commenter. They gradually make a person feel as if they can’t do anything right.
Fussy genes
I grew up experiencing my mother as the critical parent, but in hindsight this was more about the traditional gendered division of labour in our home that made my mom responsible for the house and kids.
After my parents divorced (my brother and I were adults by this point) and I spent time in the homes my dad lived in by himself, I started to see that he was very particular about how things should work, where they went, how they looked, etc.
When he died, my brother and I found a file of politely scathing correspondence with an appliance company about a wine fridge that didn't meet our dad's exacting standards.
It so perfectly captured this (mostly endearing) aspect of his temperment that we couldn't resist including it in the eulogy.Being on his own, he had every right to arrange things as they pleased him, and he never subjected us to an appliance company-style rebuke. I had to reflect, however, on the ways I’m similar to him in my desire for a household that looks and functions just so.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with my preferences. But I don’t live alone. So I had to ask myself, do I really need to say something every time (or really, anytime) someone does it differently?
The 3 unnecessary things rule reminds me to pause and consider whether those little itty bitty oh so innocent seeming comments are actually needed. Am I 100% successful at biting my tongue? No. But I say way way less.
But what if it’s actually necessary?
Some might interpret this advice as a edict to keep the peace at all costs and never raise an issue that’s bothering you. This is where you have to think about what, for you, constitutes necessary vs. unnecessary commentary.
I’m super conscious that this is dicey territory for women, given their high likelihood of being primary caregivers and taking a greater share of domestic responsibilities in heterosexual relationships. Women are also hyper-aware of the “nagging wife/gf” stereotype and may already be avoiding important conversations just to dodge this label.
Sometime it is necessary to comment on other people’s domestic habits (or workplace habits), especially when they create extra work for someone else or are disrespectful of the work that’s been done. Not saying something just contributes to simmering resentment.
The trick is to notice when the comment is really about something that’s just a preference with no real impact on you or others. In these cases, I try to remember the rule and let it go.
What have I learned in trying out this advice?
That I’m a bit of a fussy bitch, and that’s ok. But the way my partner does things is fine, too. Not every difference needs a comment, however light the tone or intention.
The practice of not saying certain things is also a good reminder that I do actually have control over the words that come out of my mouth. There is a space between a thought and a word. So often we don’t acknowledge or allow that space. But it’s there if I choose to be conscious of it.
Finally, if something really is an issue, you can’t casually (or snidely) comment your way to an actual solution. Reamrking on what you see as a colleague’s “odd” formatting choice on a report isn’t going to help them change, if in fact their formatting is problematic. You have to have an actual conversation for that! Yup, offhand comments are much easier. But they don’t work.
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Your mileage may vary.
If you know a source, tell me in the comments or email me and I’ll update the post!
Okay, I may never stop commenting on this.
That wine fridge WAS a problem, as its random beeping for no reason would soon make clear to us.