This is the second-to-last installment of my series on working my way through Debbie Millman’s Remarkable Life Deck. You can read the last couple here and here. Based on the cards I picked up this week, I think it’s fair to say we’re in the THINK BIG part of the process.
The first card has a very “coach-y” question: What are 5 things you would do if you knew you would not fail? This felt familiar from my coach training, although it’s not one I use often (maybe I should?) and I haven’t asked myself this question in some time. I like the prompt to list 5, since it gives a little room to play with your thought process without feeling like you have to pick THE ONE thing.
On my list were “write a novel” and “run a marathon.” As I’m reflecting, I have to ask myself, Is it fear of failure that’s holding me back from attempting things like this? Is it a realistic sense of my own limitations? Is there a voice inside telling me I’m too old? Probably a little of all those things, combined with a lack of time to dedicate myself to them. However, with the end of my formal academic career coming up, maybe time won’t be an issue. Just good old doubt and fear!
Do you have a secret dream?
The “secret dream” card isn’t too much of a surprise after the previous question. It also asks you to imagine it as reality: how does it look and feel? I decide the run with the thing I put first on the last list and acknowledge that I have a not-too-secret-dream to be a famous novelist. I would write a series of mystery-thrillers, a new one every year or so, interspersed with international book tours where someone always has a little snack ready for me. (I’m not a diva; I just want carbs distributed at regular intervals).
I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. Writing a real novel would feel like the realization of a childhood ambition. What could be more satisfying than that?
The next question reminds me why, indeed, I haven’t pursued such a satisfying dream!
What are you telling yourself you can’t do that you can?
The answer to that is basically the same list of 5 things that came up in the first question! Of course our biggest dreams and desires are the things we tell ourselves we can’t do. I might be right about not being able to run a marathon; I’m objectively slow, I’m extremely middle-aged, and I’ve never done anything that physically demanding, even when I was younger. (Yes, I gave birth without painkillers, but my assessment afterwards was that “it wasn’t that bad.”)
Marathon dreams aside, though, I don’t have any hard evidence dissuading me from the other items on the list, like writing a novel. In fact, I’ve written four books already. Not fiction books, but surely that track record indicates that I’m capable of the feat, even if I have a lot to learn about story writing.
Perhaps a good follow-up exercise to this card would be to write out all the evidence for and against my ability to do the things I tell myself I can’t. Maybe it would be a confidence booster. Maybe it would let me off the hook about running, at least.
How do you define happiness?
This is a timely question for me, given that I just wrote about money, happiness, and the weird ways psychologists have tried to measure happiness, including asking people if they smiled yesterday. I figure I can do better than that for my own personal definition of happiness. My list includes:
Feeling “good tired” at the end of most days1
Being in close, meaningful relationships
Contributing to community
Feeling good in my body
Being well-rested
Resisting capitalism and the patriarchy
Feeling loved
Feeling safe and secure
Smiling once a day isn’t on my list, but most of these things should be smile-worthy, most days. :)
When are you happiest?
My final card for this week gives me a chance to reflect on when I’m happiest:
Being with friends
Doing fun physical activity
Connecting with readers and other thinkers; sharing ideas
Relaxing outside, reading, being in the sun
Connecting with my partner, daughter, family
Trying new places and experiences
Enjoying a little luxury
Peaceful quiet times to myself
The best part about this list is that all of these things are very accessible. Lots of them I can do every day, or at least every week. That doesn’t mean they don’t take any effort or intention; they do. But, little luxuries aside, most don’t cost much money or need to take a lot of time.
As I get ready to move and “reset” my life in many ways, I have the opportunity to design my life—my habits, routines, rituals, plans—so that these happiness-makers are built right in.
When are you the happiest? Is happiness part of your routine? If not, why not?
Stay tuned for the very last set of Remarkable Life Deck cards in April. xo Leslie
What I’m reading: The Secret Hours, by Mick Herron. From the author of the Slow Horses/Slough House books: a standalone novel that is also something of a prequel to Slough House. I’m hooked.
What I’m watching: The Holdovers. By the time you read this, we’ll know whether this lovely film took home any Oscars. Fingers crossed!
I think I took the term “good tired” from
on Culture Study, but I can’t find the specific post. Basically, it means the kind of tired that comes from having done enjoyable and/or meaningful stuff during the day, rather than the exhausted, burned out kind of tired.
The Holdovers really is lovely! I think it will have a longer shelf life than many of the other best picture nominees/winner - rather like Shawshank Redemption.
If I couldn’t fail, I’d be a politician - that’s a sobering thought!