New year, more you
Now that we’re a few weeks into January, the shine is off the new penny, so to speak. The energy behind resolutions may already be fading, and we start to slip back into the status quo. New year, old you.
This is one of the reasons many people eschew (or outright hate) new year’s resolutions: the feeling of having failed to become a better, shinier person. Is this because people are too ambitious in their resolutions? I don’t think so. I suspect it’s because some of our resolutions would require us to become completely different people in order to achieve them.
I was reminded of this reading
’s recent newsletter about being “in the bog,” or stuck. One of the fallacies we might hold about getting unstuck or motivated to do something is that overnight, we’ll become different people, more specifically the kind of people who do [insert whatever thing you think you should be doing]. He calls it “fantastical metamorphosis:”Here’s one of my favorite bad escape plans: I’ll just be a different person in the future. Like, “I know I hate working out, but in the future I will overcome this by not being such a baby about it.” Or, “I find quantum physics boring, so I’ll just learn about it later, when I find it more interesting.”
These are fantastical metamorphoses. I have not, so far, woken up one day and found myself different in all the ways that would make my life easier. I do hope this happens, but I’ve stopped betting on it.
Even if we’re not being fantastical about it (i.e., assuming change magically happens), we can still mistakenly think we can transform something fundamental ourselves by sheer effort. Now, I’m not one who believes that “people don’t change.” It wouldn’t make any sense for me to be so interested in self help if I was! I believe we have lots of potential for change. But too often, I think, people (me as well sometimes) believe that we should change not because we necessarily want to, but because we’ve been told in one way or another that there’s something wrong or less than ideal about the kind of person we are.
For example, thinking you should become a morning person because “the early bird gets the worm,” etc. etc. Or wanting to become a night owl, having dinner at 9pm and socializing into the wee hours because that’s how Europeans do it! (I’m guilty of thinking I can do this one). Introverts might think they should force themselves to be more gregarious (you’re so quiet), while extroverts might try to hold back their exuberant nature (wow, you’re a lot!).
Just be yourself! (cringe)
Recently,
declared “new year, new you” people to be her “Dingus of the Week.” Fair, but at least I know what people mean when they say they have reinvention goals. What I’ve always struggled to comprehend is the imperative to “be yourself.” It leaves me internally screaming “What does that even mean? Who am I, anyways?!” I feel like I’ve been futilely waiting for the special day when I’ll suddenly know who I am and can wholeheartedly “be myself!”Just like waiting for a fantastical metamorphosis is a waste of time, so is waiting for the day one magically knows oneself, inside and out. After all, there’s a certain amount (perhaps a large amount) about ourselves that is simply unknowable. Parts of ourselves will always be opaque to us. Probably a good thing, too.
What I’m starting to understand about the whole be yourself thing is that it’s not necessarily about expressing some pure, unique essence of you, or at least it doesn’t have to be. If you DO know what or who your true self is, by all means run with it. And please let me know how you figured it out. If anyone else is like me, still wondering if that revelation will ever come, here’s what I’ve settled on:
Give yourself permission to like the things you like and dislike the things you don’t.
That’s it. I know, not nearly profound enough for a pull quote. Yet perhaps you’ll also find it a helpful way to think about what you might want to “lean in” to in the new year. Instead of trying to invent a new you, or waiting for your magical essence to make itself known, just commit to doing and enjoying the things that you genuinely like, without apology.1
In The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin resolves to “be Gretchen.” She realizes she’s happier when she’s not trying to pretend to like things she doesn’t, or feeling bad about her likes and dislikes, or forcing herself to change her preferences. So, if a new year (or anytime) goal is to increase happiness in some way, being MORE you (rather than an imaginary new you) might be a good thing to try.
When I try out this advice, I generally find that people prefer the clarity of an honest statement of like/dislike than the wishy-washiness of hedging to meet someone else’s (assumed) expectations. The trick is to be clear without putting anyone down: “Thanks, but it’s just not really my thing. Go ahead without me; I think I’ll do x instead.”
Being upfront doesn’t mean being rigid, though. It still seems important to try new things and make a good faith effort to appreciate some of the stuff your friends and loved ones are into. Appreciating doesn’t mean you have to fully embrace it; it just means respecting that someone else does and even understanding a little about why they do.
I do hope that someday I’ll have a more profound idea of what it means to “be me.” Maybe I just haven’t found the right self help book yet! In the meantime, I’ll settle for resolivng to be more accepting of my own tastes and preferences (and less judgmental about other’s, for good measure).
What I’m reading: Sure, I’ll Join Your Cult, by Maria Bamford. I think I enjoy Bamford more as a comedian and actor than a writer, but I appreciate her bracing honesty. She’s also a big fan of self-help, so I clearly have to appreciate that.
What I’m watching: Wellmania, on Netflix. The older I get, the harder it is to watch characters make so many bad choices. Of course, if they didn’t, there wouldn’t be much of a plot.
Assuming they’re not harmful or hurtful to others, of course.