How to pick a role model
If this sounds like a homework assignment you were given in grade two, I apologize. But I want to suggest that it’s never too late to look for role models, even if you’re at the age where you’re supposed to be a role model for others. How do you decide, though, that someone is a viable role model for you?
First, I think there are a few mistakes people make when considering the question of a possible role model:
The person has to be of impeccable character and moral stature.
You have to be able to see yourself in this person, e.g. they need to have certain similarities to you.
Their life has to closely match yours or your aspirations in all areas: career, family, etc.
They have to be somehow “ahead” of you or have more than you in some capacity, i.e., you have to see them as more successful.
I notice these roadblocks when I ask a coaching client if there is anyone they can look to as a model for something they want, are trying to do, or a quality they’d like to possess. Clients easily get stuck on choosing the “perfect” model:
someone who seems to have everything together and is doing it all flawlessly
a person who shares their gender, race, sexuality, temperament, ideals, etc. to a tee
someone who is on a very similar career trajectory with matching goals
a person who appears to have “made it” already
It would be great if we all knew that person and they lived up to everything we wanted them to be. But does that person really exist? Obviously no one is perfect; even our heroes have their flaws and their less-than-shining moments. Does anyone else fully embody all of the qualities, virtues, aspirations, dreams, identities, and values that we have or want for ourselves?
In the absence of a perfect role model, then, what do we look for?
In my coaching work, I encourage people to think much more narrowly and home in on a particular skill, strength, quality, or achievement that they’ve witnessed in someone else. This can relate to something banal, like how they comport themselves in a meeting, or something more high-stakes, like how they survived a serious setback.
For example, if you wish you could feel less anxious and scattered during a monthly pitch meeting at work, who do you see in that meeting who seems to possess a sense of calm and focus? What are they doing? What are they saying and how are they saying it? Could you chat to them and ask what they do to prepare for the meeting or how they seem to stay calm when a lot of things are going on?
A role model doesn’t need to be someone you can fashion your whole life and personality around. Maybe you just really love the way the receptionist warmly greets people and makes them feel important. Maybe you admire someone’s success at getting funding for important projects. A small thing can be enough to suggest that you could learn something from them, either directly or through observation.
We can stop looking to the rock stars of our professions or the supermoms or the Zen masters. They might not be right model for you; or they could be an example of what you don’t want to be. Can you find, instead, a particular quality or aspect of someone’s journey that you appreciate or admire, and work with that as a model? This takes away the need for someone else to be perfect, and it takes away any pressure on you to follow your role model too closely. After all, the point is to develop into your own person, not become someone else.
What I’m reading: What Have You Done? by Shari Lapena. As usual, Lapena delivers a page turner.
What I’m watching: The Pitt. Noah Wyle, in charge of an ER, told in one-hour-of-a day increments like 24? Yes please.