This is the final installment of my series on working my way through Debbie Millman’s Remarkable Life Deck. You can read the last couple here and here.
It’s only taken me eight months (!!) but I’ve finally reached the last five cards of the deck. Two of them had new questions and the other three were about reflecting, revising, and wrapping up the process.
How do you handle stress?
For this question, I thought back to what I’d written in my post about “toolkits,” where I listed a bunch of things/practices that I turn to when I’m worried, anxious, down, etc. During high stress moments, I try to calm myself with affirmations or statements that help me put things in perspective (“If you can’t control it, you don’t have to do anything about it;” “I am fundamentally ok;” “You only have to do one thing at a time.”)
I also use self-compassion practices, movement, distraction (I love a good distraction!) and taking a rest. These sorts of things make a noticeable difference in those acute stress situations.
What I find trickier is the low-grade level of stress that’s hard to notice sometimes, because I get used to it. If my nosy smart watch is correct, stress is more present than I’m consciously aware of. When I do notice it, or suspect it’s there, I try to rest or do something pleasurable that also serves as a distraction (make some tea, read a book).
Reflecting on this question, I was happy to say that I no longer use alcohol to cope with stress (not judging anyone who does, though!). I also think I’m pretty good at not taking stress out on other people.
I’m still working on a few things, though:
letting stress morph into anger (at myself, at others, at a situation)
overthinking and over-planning to try to control stressful situations
getting anxious and frustrated when things don’t go exactly as I expected
letting stress lead me to avoid people and events
stress pushing me to make impulsive and sometimes expensive decisions
How do you pick up the pieces?
The next card reminds me that you can dream and plan a remarkable life, but there will inevitably be times when it all goes to shit. My initial answer to the question also reminded me that my typical coping strategies can be problematic.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve thought of myself as fundamentally strong (before we used the word “resilient” ad nauseam). I “pick up the pieces” by acting strong and capable because I believe myself to be strong and capable. I DO all the things: plan, organize, adjust, adapt. This is effective. It’s also a way of shutting down emotionally.
Now that I see this part of myself more clearly, I try to add some more gentle pieces to the plan: when things go to shit, I try to reflect, read, learn, and write about it. I try to rely more on friends and family. I practice self care. I remember that I’ve survived tough times before. And when it’s time, I keep it moving (not getting stuck).
How does it make you feel?
I’ve finally reached the point in the deck where you start to review your remarkable life. This card asks me to read through all my journal notes and think about how they make me feel. As I go back to my entries on the first few cards, I have to smile. When I wrote them back in the fall, I didn’t know where I’d be living after moving this year. Now that we’ve bought our new house, I felt good knowing that many of the things I imagined would be a reality (A deck to sit and write on! A walk-in closet! A modern kitchen!).
I felt proud that I actually voiced (or wrote) some of the dreams that have been haunting the back of mind for decades. I also felt skeptical about some of them! Perhaps a little worried, too, that it was too late to make anything “remarkable” happen. This was outweighed, I think, by a general sense of curiosity: what might actually happen over the next ten years?!?
If I didn’t have any skepticism, then I think the dreams would have been too modest. Why not think big? It’s just an exercise, after all.
Are you satisfied?
I sat with the question of whether or not I was satisfied with what I’d written for a day or so. In the end, I don’t think there’s anything I want to change. Even the parts I feel a little uncomfortable about (will I really have a best-selling memoir someday?) are ones that I think should stay. Again, if the whole thing felt comfortable, it wouldn’t be a very “remarkable” plan.
This step also asks you to read everything out loud when you’re happy with it. I haven’t done this part yet but I’ll get to it this week, when I have some space to myself.
Respect what you’ve written…
… and watch what happens next. Those are the words on the back of the final card. My plan will be to keep the little journal handy so I can check in on it every once in a while (hopefully sooner than ten years). It’s hard to say how long this newsletter will last, but I should be able to give a mini-update in a year or so. While I don’t exactly believe in manifesting, I do believe there’s value in articulating what you want. Not because the universe will magically deliver it, but because you can’t work towards something you haven’t even consciously thought about yet.
Despite my occasional misgivings about the utility of doing this process at the age of 48, I’m glad I picked up this deck at the Newark airport, where I also probably picked up some Covid-19. One of those things was a valuable addition to my life.
What I’m reading: Has Anyone See Charlotte Salter?, by Nicci French. I find French’s books hard to put down and so far this one is no exception.
What I’m watching: Season 13 of Vera. Joe Ashworth is back! Vera’s 1 hour and 29 minute-long episodes are like a big hug and as soon as I finish writing this I’m going to watch one.